Well, day 2 of mourning for my My, I still have not eaten. Though I am trying to remember to keep myself hydrated, so I take a sip or two of water now and then. I can go a while without eating, but I must remember to drink. I still miss my baby! But I still have not gotten over the shock of her just not being here anymore. I got so dehydrated yesterday from constant crying, I have no more tears today. But the sadness is still there. I haven't even been able to manage a full smile since Mya passed. I still feel this big void in my soul, like a big part of me is gone. My belly is still in knots, which is why I can't eat. The one thing that hurts me the most is knowing how easily Mya's accident could have been prevented. It's like my worst nightmare come true. I'm already looking at other puppies and I shouldn't. I need to give myself time to heal. If I just rush in and get another puppy, I will regret it later, and surely the baby will too. Because I'd still be trying to get used to Mya not being here. I need to detach before getting another dog. Otherwise I just won't love it the same.
There is another someone in the family who is breaking us up. My stepfather John. Apparently last year, when mama was visiting us, she got into a bad accident of her own. She's still trying to relearn to walk. And that is what bothers John. Mama once told me John is very uncomfortable around handicapped people. Even though he should know ma very well by now, and they've been married for 33 years, and now he all of a sudden decides he doesn't love her anymore because she was in an accident. It's just very sad. When a person marries another, it's supposed to be for better or worse, for as long as you both shall live. John seems to have misread that rule, or didn't completely understand it. While my ma was recovering in a hospital, John had already found himself another squeeze online! When I first heard that, I thought "What a jerk!" But then I remembered how ma said that John did not feel comfortable around handicapped people. John has always been somewhat strange. It's strange I should say that, because I have a few things in common with him. We're both pickier eaters than a koala. We're both old and love 80s music.
Recently, John has been having days-long episodes of the runs, and has gotten worried about it. He asks ma what he should do about it. Ma's response has been funny. She said "What does your main squeeze tell you you should do?" That frustrates John! Ma said John being sick now, it's not her problem anymore. It was when they were married, but now that John wants to break up with ma, it's not her problem anymore. She told him to ask his new girlfriend. Well, I heard from ma, who heard it from a neighbor that John is planning to leave ma after the holidays. Ma told him to go ahead, and pray that his new girlfriend can support him, because she plans to hit him up good with alimony. John said at first "No, you can't do that". Ma said "Oh yeah? Just watch me!" She said John fell silent then. She may not be able to make him love her again, but she's sure planning to make him sorry he ever left her, because she was always a good wife to him. She didn't do anything to end this marriage, it was all John's doing from the beginning. I lost a lot of respect for John. He was the only father I still have, and he's leaving now.
I've been telling ma that I hope John moves in with his new girlfriend, and is so miserable there that he comes back and begs ma to marry him again. But ma already has stated, she doesn't want him back. I can't blame her. Finding out John does not take his promise to GOD seriously. He's going to Hell for this. John is little more than a fair-weather friend. I can't stand those kind of people. I've dealt with them plenty of times before. I'm sick of them!
I sure wish my ma lived closer, we all need each other now. My sis even suggested last night that we go to stay with ma for a few days. I like the idea, but I just can't. Ma's afraid of Ele. And what would I do with my birds? And John would surely have a hissy fit if he had to live with 2 dogs and birds. I don't want to put ma through that. So, I cannot go. All I can do is just stay here and try to get over this terrible sadness that has overtaken me. Looking around my bedroom last night before I went to bed, I realized this place is just too full of memories. Mya's bed is still where it's always been. Mya's food and water dishes are still here. Mya's new crate is still here, and she still has a full bag of dog food that hasn't even been opened. Looking at these things reminds me too much of her being gone. If I could move out today, I would. But I can't. I'd have no place to go. I was wishing last night that life were like being on a computer, that I could just click the Undo button and everything from the day would be undone. Then I'd still have Mya. But that's why the saying "Life is unfair" exists. Because it can't be undone. I don't know how long my belly will stay in knots. I can't even feel hunger it's self. It's been blocked. I'll just have to wait until I feel hungry again to eat and try as hard as I can to drink lots of water and stay hydrated.
When I do get another dog, and I do plan to some time in the future, I don't know if I'll go with another sheltie. Mya was so much fun, but I fear there will never be another one like her. I've been thinking of some other breeds, even getting another australian shepherd. A male, for Ele. But she may see him only as a child. Not as a mate.
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